Saturday, December 29, 2012

Potential New Year's Resolutions

Vacations are great, but I am somehow always relieved to return home. The radiators in my apartment may sound like they are constantly boiling spaghetti and I am convinced that mice are giving walking tours within the walls, but it is mine. That's of course not actually true, as my name is not on any deed and my landlords would gleefully kick me out as soon as they found someone willing to pay more, but it does at least hold all of my things. I have returned home just in time to create some New Year's Resolutions. I like creating New Year's Resolutions, particularly because I like disappointing myself. Some people scoff at them, but to me it is a moment in time that I can pretend I will be a better, and possibly more famous or wealthy, person from now on. Self-delusion is a powerful trait. Here are some possible resolutions that I will commit to this year. This list may be expanded once I determine other things that are wrong with me.

1. Me and the cat both go on a diet. It's said that overweight pets tend to have overweight owners. While neither of us is in a scary obesity zone that would call for amputation of one or more limbs, if it suddenly became necessary to walk publicly in a bikini or meet with certain death, I might choose death. I am dismayed by how excited my cat gets every time I so much as near the fridge, but then again perhaps it is meaningful that I am opening it fifteen to twenty times a day. She looks at me with big, yellow, soulful eyes, pleading with me to feed her just one more can of pâté. On the other hand, I have also been known to look in the mirror with the same soulful expression, desperately addressing my need for a cheeseburger. This is one of the least likely resolutions that I can think of. 

2. Stop caring what others think about me. This is a very important resolution, and something that supposedly gets easier with age. It is also difficult to attain, as I have made this resolution before. It has become harder to stick with lately, exacerbated by the interview process as I am constantly being judged and subsequently rejected. I try my best, but often we need a reminder. For instance, I am right now worrying if you, the reader, is still reading this post or if you've gotten bored and went off to make yourself a sandwich! But it shouldn't bother me if my readers are making sandwiches or not, as I have just gone to the grocery store and can make a sandwich of my own. 

3. Get a hold of my anger problem. This is a very relevant resolution and also one that I haven't had the slightest idea how to change. I feel that rage may be in my genes. My dad has been known to have a bit of a temper, and my mom can be sensitive, and as a result I frequently get very angry and then cry about it. I worry that it is getting worse with age, or a result of living in Boston for six years.  I become so irate with someone carrying on a loud, lengthy cell phone conversation on the train that I will stare at them until I am sure my eyes have popped out of their sockets. This has not worked for me once. It may someday cause me to jump off the train while it is still in motion just to avoid listening to a conversation about diaper rash. I recently began yelling at an umbrella that refused to cooperate. The umbrella was no more cooperative and I just looked crazy to people.

4. Watch less Law & Order. This one is a joke. I would never do this. 

How are you going to spend your New Year's Eve? Sitting at home tearfully watching commercials featuring pitiful cats and dogs with heart-breaking music in the background? Losing your cell phone at a bar? I don't know about you, but I am going to spend mine thinking about what I don't like about myself and what I can do to become more famous before 2014.

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