Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Not Quite 42 Reasons to Drink

I composed this list for a party several years ago at the request of a friend. I do not recall why we deemed it necessary to provide partygoers with a list to validate their drinking habits, but naturally I was up to the challenge. Sadly, the list was never finished or distributed, probably because we both simply forgot. Because I hate to leave writing in my personal folders to fade away into the ether,  no matter how outdated or irrelevant it has become, I have decided to share all thirty reasons with my loyal readers. I don't really advocate binge drinking or lists advocating binge drinking, but here is a list supporting both. If you decide to use one or more of the validations provided below, please do not cite me from your stretcher on the way to the hospital. 

Accepted Justifications for Excessive, Continued, and Prolonged Binge Drinking

Instructions: Select the excuse/rationale that is most applicable to your current situation. If you find the rationalization of your binge drinking to be slipping, choose a new justification. You may select as few as one or as many as forty-two reasons.

1. It’s been a tough day/week/summer.
2. I haven’t gotten any in a while.
3. I hate myself.
4. I hate everyone here.
5. Seriously, it’s been a while.
6. I hate my job.
7. I love drinking!
8. Everyone here is really attractive and I am too timid to speak to them sober.
9. I ran out of drugs.
10. The economy.
11. Because I pretend to like myself, but deep down I’m filled with inner conflict that has not been resolved despite extensive therapy.
12. Because drinking is the only way to make the voices stop. Or at least to make the voices say nicer things.
13. No one understands me.
14. I can’t understand anyone else. Everyone else is either speaking gibberish, or a complete moron.
15. I already forgot the names of everyone here two hours ago and I’m hoping if I keep drinking they will come back to me.
16. I am a failure.
17. I’m really good at drinking.
18. I heard there are going to be models at this party.
19. I heard there were going to be models at this party, and so far there are no models.
20. Where the fuck are the models? I would not sleep with anyone at this party.
21. “Drinking problem” is a highly subjective term.
22. I feel better about myself when I drink.
23. There’s nothing else to do.
24. I don’t have cable TV.
25. I graduated college (x) years ago and have yet to do anything meaningful with my life.
26. Because it’s there.
27. Red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s, contains Omega-3 fatty acids, and lowers your risk of developing lung cancer. There is no red wine at this party, but I’m pretty sure pink wine from a box is roughly the same thing.
28. I was just dumped.
29. My girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner cheated on me.
30. I have crippling social anxiety.
31. This is where #31 was supposed to go. 

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