Sunday, December 30, 2012

Facebook: Slightly less addictive than drugs, still more addictive than Chap Stick.

My boyfriend does not have a Facebook account. To some, this is reason enough to believe that he does not actually exist. Apart from the obvious answer that I did in fact make him up, he has simply never seen Facebook as a need that went unfulfilled. During a recent conversation about why Facebook is bad, I tried to explain to him that I was glad he did not use it because I would then know what he was doing and who he was talking to at all times and I would be able to figure out who all of his exes were. He looked at me with abject horror as I tried to remove the foot that had gotten stuck between my teeth.

I think I am not alone when I say that whenever I log on, I become agitated for no concrete reason within seconds. This is alarming as I have not even had to speak to anyone during this time period. I spend enough of my time becoming irate with strangers already and I am beginning to think that I am not benefiting from this relationship. Any positive effect my membership has on me ("Your hair is great!!) is returned tenfold with unnecessary comparison of myself to my peers, remorse that I chose to spend part of my life looking at pictures of one-time acquaintances' food, and outrage at the spelling and grammar of those I know. 

In an effort to find help from others who no longer succumb to this compulsion, I searched for "how to give up Facebook" and found that before I had completed my question, the top three Google searchers are, in order of appearance:

1. How to give up drugs
2. How to give up Facebook
3. How to give up Chap Stick

This discovery suggests that in terms of addiction, Facebook is more powerful than lip balm and only slightly easier to kick than drugs. I have never had a drug problem, though I am young and ambitious. I do have over three types of lip balm in my purse at this very moment. I like Chap Stick, though, and I can quit whenever I want to. While I would never beg my ailing grandmother a for ride to meet my junkie middle-aged boyfriend who I only sleep with for his access to Facebook (things I learned from Intervention), it is starting to feel like a malevolent influence in my life. Until now, I have not had the courage to let go of this thing I did not really like but have gotten so used to. And so from this point forward, I am going to deactivate my account and learn what it is like to live without it again. If it is anything like Intervention, I am going to gain forty pounds and get into d├ęcoupageIt is a bit of a disappointment that I am making this decision on my own, as I have always fantasized about being thrown a surprise intervention by my friends. Then again, there are always new obsessions that could get out of hand, like Chap Stick or Post-it Notes. 

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