Just kidding! But if I had one it would start with sandwiches. That was just a sneaky tactic to get you to read this. But now that you're here, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you reading it after all and I'd like you to go. Wait! I don't know. It's up to you.
This is just another blog post from someone who is uncomfortable dealing with the changes going on around her and wants to whine about them, even though it is all part of "growing up" or whatever you want to call being closer to death. If growing handlebar mustaches at 28 were also just a part of growing up that everyone experiences, I wouldn't like that either. It has occurred to me, and likely to many of my thousands and thousands of readers, that all of my/our friends are steadily getting married one after the other, like ants marching towards the anthill, some even deigning to have children, or moving to the suburbs (where nightmares are born). I have been to several weddings this year and there are many to come. Of course I am very happy for everyone, and I say with every fiber of my being that there is no jealousy involved, I just find it weird. I am simply not ready for you to get married. I was just about to ask if you wanted to get drunk and go to the movies, but apparently you have to go pick out a wedding venue that I cannot take the subway to.
It is a misperception that every little girl dreams about her future wedding day, full of embroidered napkins and a fancy white dress, with a slide show of pictures of her on days when her hair looked extremely good playing while her guests eat Cornish hen, and probably unicorns walking her down the aisle (these are little girls we are talking about). In every picture of me wearing a dress when I was little, you will unmistakably see me pouting because I think I look stupid and my dress is itchy. Why would I dream about wearing an itchy white dress that I will probably just spill ketchup on? Quite frankly, I was too busy planning my imaginary interviews on E!News to plan a hypothetical wedding.
If I had a clearer memory of my childhood (blocked out), I might have likened this situation to listening to people plan their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs during junior high school. There were a fair amount of Jewish people in my school and many of them got to have extravagant parties with a D.J. and a dessert bar. In return, all they had to do was memorize and awkwardly sing the Torah off-key in front of their entire junior high class for two hours. I couldn't discuss which Snoop Dogg songs I would be playing at my party because I was (half-) Catholic and I wasn't getting a party. Being a mature pre-teenager, I tried to convince the rest of my family to convert to Judaism just in time to throw me a cool party.
I am very fortunate to have parents who do not care whether or not I ever get married or have children. They are probably aware of the fact that if either of these things did happen, they would likely get saddled with much of the bill and the children would frequently be dumped on them whenever I wanted to not listen to screaming, but even if this was the sole reason, it is a blessing. I know a lot of people who feel pressure from their parents to make these big changes when they are not ready, and I am very happy that my parents prefer to waste their time pressuring me to vote Republican.
This is not intended to be a diatribe against my dear friends who are simply growing up. It is not their fault that they have succumbed to the inevitable. I am very happy for them. I just don't agree with their lives progressing. But I probably also felt this way at my First Communion. Everyone grows up so fast!