Wednesday, September 23, 2009

See, I'm not awkard with your baby.

See, I just patted it on the shoulder and said "hello." When it did not respond to this, I stuck out my hand for it to shake. When it did not offer its hand in turn, I asked what sex "it" was and what was "its" name. Then I said, "Hello, Jake. How old are you? I'm twenty-five." Your baby furrowed its brow and I inferred that he did not know the approximate answer to my query. Your baby being from Boston, I figured he would at least be aware of how the Red Sox were doing this season (I do not, so theoretically he could have told me anything whether it was remotely accurate or not and I would have believed him). I hate to break this to you, but your baby is either apathetic about sports or was born without the capacity for speech. Your baby then looked like he was either going to cry or file a report with Child Services requesting that I never have custody of a child.

Oh, I give up. I was introduced to the baby of a friend's sister yesterday and within moments decided that I had to be at the mall or something. I considered asking if it was recommended to treat a baby in a similar fashion to how you would treat a puppy, but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase this question.

I gave up coffee six months ago, could your baby use this gift certificate to Starbucks?

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