Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Budgeting attempt #457

I lost my credit card for the second time in two months (at a bar, try to contain your surprise), which is probably a good thing considering my current bill is unfathomably high. A brief overview of my statement as I tried to cancel my credit card (again) revealed something that I was otherwise unaware of. I am poor. Not only am I poor, I am negatively wealthy. I should be looking at people who consider themselves "poor" in envy and asking them how they have been so successful with their investments. As I routinely do each year for about one week, I am designing a budget to better fit my fiscal allowance (this comes out to roughly $1 per week). Spending less money on food is an essential element to budgeting, because a thorough investigation of my spending habits reveals that I spend close to 41% of my paycheck on sandwiches. The following monetary restrictions have the added bonus of aiding in weight loss until I become anemic, lose all muscle mass, my hair begins to fall out, and I hallucinate. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the exact diet of many glamorous celebrities!

Breakfast: Flirt with Dunkin' Donuts guy for free munchkins (This worked once so I'm convinced it has potential. If cashier is female, just try harder.)
Lunch: Once flirting for munchkins doesn't work twice in a row, purchase bagel with quarters stolen from a video game arcade.
Dinner (once every 72 hours): Donate platelets at nearest hospital in exchange for coupon good for one free meal at hospital cafeteria.
Dessert: Chew on a straw.
Optional snack items:
  • Stare longingly at pictures of food on Blackberry I just purchased for $200. Deny to everyone that I have just licked Blackberry.
  • Free Saltine crackers and plastic cutlery from nearby cafes. Garnish Saltines with ketchup, salt & pepper packets, and more cutlery.
Entertainment: Watch tourists in Faneuil Hall exit Dick's Last Resort with enormous paper condom hats on their heads.

Granted, I know this will only last one more week, or however long it takes for Visa to mail me a new card. But in the meantime at least I get to eat a lot of bagels. And hallucinate without paying for drugs.

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