Monday, February 09, 2009

How to lose friends and alienate people, and end up paying off the rest of your student loans yourself

Everyone knows the best way to become a successful writer is to alienate your entire family. Specifically, by publicizing all the ways they mistreated you and things they could be criminally charged for and how they are snorers and fall asleep in church, et cetera. Completely unbeknownst to me, not everyone likes having themselves scrutinized on the internet, their lives pored over by absolutely no one because no one reads my blog.

And so I give to you, in honor of Valentine's Day (which I canceled, but I will still pay homage to it as long as someone gives me free candy), the My Mom is Great post. I will warn you, if you are squeamish like me and declarations of affection send you running in the opposite direction, this is about to get warm and fuzzy.

Since my mom has henceforth boycotted my blog on the premise that I have purposely defamed her character, I suppose I should try and win her back because without her I have lost roughly half of my readership. Now that she has learned how to use the internet, she represents an important demographic of internet users that I should not neglect. That being the demographic that is still paying off my undergraduate college loans for me. Without further ado, reasons why my mom is great (and better than yours):

  • I think it would be a tough call if she were to face Mother Teresa in a Nice-off.
  • She still loves me even though I can be a really really big bitch.
  • I had an identity crisis in middle school and had Tupac, Usher, and Wu-Tang posters plastered on my bedroom walls, but she doesn't go around telling people this as an anectdote.
  • She makes a really incredible Thanksgiving dinner that I request for pretty much every holiday I am home, Veterans Day or Arbor Day or whatever, and she cheerfully obliges.
  • She unquestionably fulfills her duty as mom to insist that I am the best-looking, funniest, most talented girl she's ever met in her lifetime.
  • She is wowed by this post and agrees to read my blog again.
  • She has an incredible amount of self-control that I've never seen in another individual (a concept that I have yet to grasp; maybe that's one of those traits that appears later in life).
  • She stayed up all night sewing me a pirate costume the night before Halloween in elementary school because I hadn't made up my mind until then.
  • I've never seen her break a single rule or law, or make one morally bankrupt decision. There was this one time I saw her drive the wrong way in a parking lot and drive over a median, but that is all that comes to mind.
  • She sends me articles warning about the destructive effects of binge drinking at least every two months, with high-lighted passages and motivational post-it notes.
Well, of course there's much more, but I have to stop myself because I've already lost the other half of my readership with this sentimental post. Happy Valentine's Day. In case you are wondering I prefer chocolates and bottles of wine.

1 comment:

Meliska said...

Well Done! Here's to you Mrs.F