Here, put this on your face and go stand in that circle over there. Yes, right there, next to the horse.Which I did last year. Having been to the circus twice in two years, if someone asked me to the circus I would be too circused-out to go. Suffice to say, the performers were very spectacular and amazing and probably not human, because I don't think human beings are capable of such stunts. Or maybe there was something in their tap water growing up. Leaving the show, I felt a bit badly about myself for not being able to balance four people standing on my shoulders or cross a tightrope with an armful of groceries. Come to think of it, I couldn't recall any of my accomplishments. When I wasn't busy suspending my belief, I was doing what I usually do, making sarcastic remarks about everything and refusing to participate in group cheering and singing. There were few clowns which was good as I was sitting uncomfortably close in the fourth row, and was sure they could tell when I wasn't smiling and might come over to harass me or have me juggle a baby tiger and a set of encyclopedias on stage. I was on the edge of my seat for the entire show. But that had more to do with the kid sitting behind me who shouted "DAD! Can you get me some water? I THINK I HAVE STREP." Kids. Precious little germ festivals, aren't they?
I actually have to say one thing to stick up for circuses. Whenever the circus comes to town, PETA members get all up in arms about their treatment and march around with signs with catchy slogans like "Imprisoning and tormenting animals for the amusement of humans is wrong!" and "Animal cruelty is bad!" But is it the humiliation and degradation they fear the animals are suffering from being part of a traveling circus act? Because if that's the main reason, it should be pointed out that humans look equally as stupid, if not more stupid, than the animal entertainers. So you put a poodle in one of those costumes that makes it look like it's a Mexican guy in a sombrero riding a horse when it stands on its hind legs. They also feature grown men in leotards spinning in the air after propelling themselves off of other men's crotches. Then there's the issue of animals not having a say in their career choice. Can't an argument be made that many humans go to law school specifically because their parents want them to? Plenty of people can be seen walking around in these very silly-looking business suits carrying briefcases instead of pursuing their dream of say, watching television from their couch. I haven't met any animals who have taken up investment banking solely to please their parents, but if one, why not the other?
Now my body is telling me to hide underneath my covers and not come out for many hours because it is unreasonably bright outside and I have one of the more notable hangovers in U.S. history. To put it lightly, it feels like all of my internal organs have found a place with cheaper rent and are unsuccessfully trying to vacate the premises.