And that is that they need water, continuously. Not just that one time when you first get them and decide they'd look nice in a vase with some water. The other week, my friend and I arrived at Logan Airport, all jet-lagged and looking like we had just eaten airline food and had our seats kicked by six-year olds with restless leg syndrome for the past twenty-four hours. Her boyfriend met us at the airport with two bouquets of flowers. Now, he very easily could have gotten off with just the one bouquet of pretty flowers for his girlfriend because, you know, he doesn't pay for my dinners and well I guess there are some other reasons. But he made a nice gesture because he is like the equivalent of the nicest person you know.
But I guess I am not a frequent receiver of flowers or I didn't pay attention in biology, because I seem to have missed out on a crucial element of their growing process. After taking an alleged short-cut that someone had heard of that inadvertently re-routed us to a nice tour of what appeared to be the adult underground section of Everett, through East Boston, and maybe a little bit of Chelsea and Cambridge, I finally returned home to transfer my new flowers to something reflective of their natural habitat: a pint-sized Cayman Islands Margaritaville glass filled with water. After cutting the stems at a diagonal, under water, and adding a packet of food that looked suspiciously like the packet that I had used to feed my childhood sea monkeys, I considered my part over. Only nature had any influence over them now. And maybe I would talk to them a little.
Except about two days later, they looked pretty ill. Like sickeningly, went out on a bender and came back with a criminal record and a bunch of track marks kind of ill. Until I noticed something remarkable. They had drank all the water. I'm positive it was them; the dog can't reach that high up. And I think I would have noticed a bunch of flowers in my mouth if I reached out for a glass of water in the middle of the night and grabbed the wrong cup. As if by divine will, I replenished the water and they had completely resurrected within days. Let that be a lesson to you all - if you are responsible for any life source, even if it does not speak fluidly, help out with the rent, or subscribe to any magazines, it is going to require water multiple times in its lifetime.