Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Dear U.S. Gov't, You'll get your $45 as soon as I get back my copy of Houses of the Holy and that Cubs sweatshirt you borrowed from me. Signed, Ashley

Tonight, I am going to see a tax accountant type person because as it turns out, I can't be trusted to report my own income. Which is not a very big surprise. After trying to complete the forms online, the government claimed that I owed it forty-five dollars. Aside from being completely absurd, it sounds a little like the government feels jilted because it thinks I didn't cover my share of a bar tab or a taxi fare. Instead of casting aside a petty sum like $45 and acknowledging that it in fact owes me lots and lots of money, the U.S. government is passive-aggressively trying to stick it to me. How long have I stuck by your side, U.S. Government? I've been here for you from day one, through thick and thin. Sending you money whenever you were down on your luck, never badmouthing you to other forms of government when you forced my parents to start buying generic items instead of popular brand names . The Great Depression, 1929, was I: hanging out at the end of a breadline, anxiously trying to decide between white or multi-grain, or was I enjoying life as an ex-patriot, kicking back with an opium pipe in Southeast Asia? Neither, as I wasn't born yet, and opium isn't healthy for babies. The Stock Market Crash of '87: did I give communism a try? Or was I learning to tie my shoes because I had just turned three?

I'm taking my tax documents to a neutral party to help settle the score. And as we are still entering unsettling territory with the market, that and, um, some other bad things the U.S. government has gotten caught up in, I may have to hold its hand through another bad spell. But I will tell you this: if we don't get this whole tax thing straightened out so I can claim the loads of money that the government owes me, I am so not inviting it out to celebrate my twenty-fourth birthday this month. I have a feeling I will get my message across.


Fever Dog said...

I hate it when relationships go sour, like yours has with the US Government. Once you were walking hand in hand in the spring sunshine, and now it is pettily asking for arbitrary amounts it claims you owe it, and probably won't return the albums you lent it, claiming they were gifts

Ashley said...

Yeah, and like how you used to describe annoying habits of theirs like bombing other countries as "quirks." Fortunately I had it straightened out and am getting 800 clams out of the settlement ... and the dog.