Friday, March 14, 2008

Re: To the person who has not placed a "missed connection" Craigslist ad concerning yours truly

Occasionally I look at Craigslist's Missed Connections because they can be amusing and because if there are people noticing me at Starbucks or the dry cleaners and deciding to write up about it on a website, I'd like to know about it. But it seems that no one has placed an ad because they saw me running to catch the T.

I thought it would be interesting to place my own made-up ads about myself, so that I could impress some select friends about how many admirers I have, but that is like sending yourself flowers, which should only be done to make ex-boyfriends jealous. Still, it would be fun to invent personals like these because very often they're completely insane. However, I am not an unethical sort of person. So here are some ads that don't exist but could:
"Panera Bread. Tuesday 2pm. You ordered the Sierra Turkey. I had a ham sandwich. You dropped your sandwich on the floor. The ham sandwich was pretty good. Your blue eyes mesmerized me as you cursed obscenities and knelt down to pick up your sandwich."

"I saw you at Home Depot on Sunday. You were in line buying a pickaxe and some bags of mulch. I was carrying a lot of heavy firewood in my muscular arms. I didn't need a cart because I've got these strong arms, which are so strong from all the weights I lift. I had tan pants and wasn't wearing a shirt. Home Depot actually had a problem with that part and told me to leave the store or put a shirt on. I think you were wearing blue. I have glasses and have been told I'm very good looking. You had brown hair. What's the pickaxe for?"

"First noticed your glowing smile at the Public Garden. You were talking on your cell phone with your mother about movies. I sat next to you because your beauty was so captivating and I wanted to get your attention. You shifted further away from me on the bench. I couldn't help noticing how shiny your hair was, and I wondered what it smelled like. When I reached out and put my hand on your knee you shrieked and walked away. I tried to give you my number but you were running too fast. Were you running late for something?"

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