Subject: Hey! What's up? We never get to just talk ...
Dear Ashley,Dear evil credit card company,
Thank you for being a great customer.
Because of your excellent history with us, we're increasing your credit line to $6,600. It's our way of saying thank you.
We value your business and are committed to helping you achieve your goals.
PLEASE STOP INCREASING MY CREDIT LINE. That's my way of saying I do not want to be indebted to you for the rest of my natural born life. I have already promised the first two of my unborn children to you and several of my organs, should you need them (or if you just fancied a new kidney or anything else you'd had your eye on).
On the other hand, I appreciate your kind gesture. Your commitment to my success is heartening. And unlike others who receive these weekly e-mails from you, I plan to take you up on that offer. Let's test this commitment, shall we? Oh, but you don't even know what my goals are yet! It just so happens that my goals lie not in consent form writing or in administration arts, because then I would have achieved them by now. Before I croak, I want to be the author of something that's published, and I won't stop short of modest fame. That's where you come in. From now on, along with each minimum credit card payment I send to you by mail, I will be enclosing a copy of the most recent chapter of my manuscript-in-progress. But that's just the beginning. Let's get together and chat about this! Looking forward to meeting you finally!
More literally than I am comfortable with,
Ashley (# 3902 2546 2345 8952)