Wednesday, August 15, 2007

More relationship advice from single people

I know some of you out there are having incredible luck with dating services like Craigslist, Elimidate, and personal ads like this one, but I'm old-fashioned. And I do not believe that "romance is dead," but it did probably try to out-drink its coworkers at happy hour last Wednesday and as a result passed out in front of the 7-Eleven on Causeway Street. And it can't find its apartment keys.

If I've learned anything about successful relationships from watching romantic comedies, aside from that they take approximately 90 minutes to develop, it is that they all begin with a good story of how they first met. A good story can give an otherwise star-crossed romance at least an additional three months of survival time. Do you feel like all the good stories are taken? Have you never been particularly good at crafting a believable plot? I've drawn potential conclusions from some of the stories of people I know who are involved in relationships, that I think can serve as lessons and pointers for those who turn to this blog for romance advice because they don't have television and therefore cannot watch Dr. Phil.

1. Start more fires.
Recently, I heard a story from a teacher who was trying to microwave frozen pancakes for her second-grade class and ended up heating them too long, setting the microwave on fire, and short-circuiting the electricity. Summoned to her rescue via a frantic and fateful phone call was the courageous electrician. What's cuter than putting the lives of a roomful of children in imminent danger to attract a Union worker? End result: still together to this day, may be forcibly engaged as a result of my aunt accidentally blurting it out at dinner.

2. Go to bars and pretend to be new in town.
Now I hate to suggest this one, because it seems so obvious, but it involves my very existence so I can't resist. This may not surprise you to learn, but my parents met at a bar. Of course they made up a cute little story to tell the grand-kids involving a towed car, a blustery New England snowstorm, and a Jewish kid from Chicago trying to make it in a town full of Puritans, but the fact of the matter is they met at a bar, and that my dad won my mom's heart over a tray of highballs. Apple does not fall far from the tree. Lesson: the ladies can't resist the new guy.

3. Stalk them. This one is not so much a story as a personal motto of a dear (and anonymous) family member of mine, who has suggested I do the following on separate occasions:
  • Establish residence in the city they are moving to on the other side of the country. Although you have only met them on two occasions, they will find the coincidence agreeable and be wiled by your dogged persistence (I wonder if she's ever seen Felicity?).
  • Invite them to family dinner. Why not? Your family has done deductive reasoning and determined they are perfect for you. Why don't you invite his parents too?
  • Have your family call and invite them to dinner without your knowledge. You have to wonder how you became involved in a situation where your family has access to your personal phonebook.
If all else fails, you might want to try the tried-and-true approach of "dipping in the company ink."

4 comments:

Snowkitty009 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Snowkitty009 said...

hahahahahaha, holy shit ashley...I agree that romance is not dead, nor do I think chivalry is dead. I think its odd to tell people that "I met the love of my life surfing the interweb late one night...he had GREAT myspace pics...and a killer profile song. It was love at first click!" No wonder I always found solace in asking you relationshit advice. Thats right, I said relationshit.

ashley said...

Chivalry is dead. Romance just stepped out to lunch. Romance will return in one hour.

Eli said...

Here's a romantic if peculiar meeting: I was out at a bar in Somerville on Saturday night, making my way to the bar to close my tab, and I touched a woman's shoulder as I excused myself behind her. Thinking nothing of it, I signaled to the bartender I was ready to close and looked back along my path to find her smiling at me brightly. I was intrigued, and after talking to her briefly I got her... blog, and here I am. Expecting a pile of drivel (my estimations in league with the Herald guy's) I came on to find a remarkably well-written collection. I guess you're too cute to write drivel. So what's the ending? You subscribed to the Herald, will you send me an email? etb8 @ cornell.edu.