Thursday, May 17, 2007

Foggy Goggles

Remember that movie with Val Kilmer where he gets his sight back after being blind for like 30 years? It's a good thing he didn't suddenly regain his sight in an indoor pool in Boston.

For my birthday this year, my parents gave me a pair of swimming goggles that put the many goggles I have previously owned to shame. They practically deserve their own blog - that's how good they are. In the interest of keeping this blog relatively free of advertisements, because no one is paying me for anything here, I will keep the name of the manufacturer to myself (unless you're interested in working out a deal, Hammacher Schlemmer?).

I only have one complaint about the aforementioned eyewear. The "High Definition Swim Goggles" reportedly "filter 100% of blue light to improve contrast, shadow definition, and depth perception underwater" and "don't distort vision." This is where problems begin to arise. A test-swim with the new goggles on Monday revealed an unusual visual clarity they give me with which to view the intricate web of varicose veins of the largely overweight woman in the lane next to me, and similarly a little-too-high-def outline of the elderly man's "package" (this is me trying to clean up my blog - my parents read this thing) in a speedo. The pool at my gym is about 10 feet long too, so you can't really avoid passing them six times a minute. Closing your eyes is an option but I think the alternative of actually colliding with one of these people would be substantially worse. Maybe if this was South Beach or or something I wouldn't have such a problem with an Underwater Freakshow, but Boston is cold 9/10 of the year so looking good naked year-round is not a requisite for residency. Normally I don't like to make fun of overweight or unfortunate-looking people just because you wouldn't want to bring them home with you at the end of the night, but I'm not usually watching them on a High-defintion television set either. I'm thinking of lining my goggles with little pieces of wax paper or something until my gym starts honoring my request to fill the pool with Abercrombie male models.


Josh said...


Jonk said...

I need to get me a pair of them there goggles. Maybe I will Google them. Google goggles.