What I was really getting at:
I know they have dating websites, which back their match-making capabilities with a 100% satisfaction guarantee, but what about a grandparent-finding-service? It would be great for both parties involved. The bored twenty-something college grad who is looking for unconditional praise for her mediocre achievements, and the sad and old parent, who has never had a grandchild totter around their ranch house, bumping into safety gates and trying to defeat unforgiving child-proof lock on mysterious cabinets (a reality my parents may be forced to face someday). So what about some kind of personality profile to match you up with the perfect replacement grandparent? Just a simple questionnaire addressing pertinent characteristics that you expect your replacement grandparent to possess. In addition, you could contact the potential grandparent (via an interpreter if necessary) for any remaining questions like:
- Do you look forward to watching reruns of M*A*S*H every day even though you fall asleep within the first five minutes?
- Can you fall asleep at nearly any time or location, even if you are at a party with over 35 raucous guests?
- Will you pass out at family dinners frequently?
- Will you and your spouse wear these matching NANA and PAPA sweatshirts I have whenever we are seen together?
- At times when your NANA or PAPA sweatshirt is in the wash, will you dress as if you are colorblind, also possibly pattern-blind, pairing a green and brown plaid shirt with striped orange pants?
- When I am not home to answer your phone call, will you leave a message addressing the answering machine as if it were a live person, and asking it to have me call you back?
- When we're out to dinner as a family, will you look up from your menu and ask the waiter, "Who are all these people?"
- Have you served in any division of the U.S. military? If not, would you be willing to invent ficticious stories of combat involving the use of words such as shrapnel, rations, and trenches?
- Each time you see me, will you ask, "You're still wearing your hair like that?" and explain how I would look so much better with a chin-length bob and bangs cropped squarely to my forehead?