With the new year coming up, now is the perfect time to consider which areas of your life or your person you could improve upon, and which areas of your life have gone terribly, horribly wrong, and how you can make one last desperate attempt to rescue your life from total destruction. With sincere thought, but little time (because it's almost lunchtime), I will evaluate my own life for areas that need improvement, and create a list of New Year's Resolutions to share with you.
New Year's Resolutions are fun and easy! You can create as many or as little as you like. Yearly resolutions allow you to envision your life, only better, giving you that brief period of hope and optimism that you need once in a while, even if none of your resolutions ever materialize (which they probably won't. There's a reason why they didn't work the last three years). But now is not the time to be honest with yourself - save the honesty for Valentine's day, which is just around the corner but enough time to realize you are still single on the most annoying day of the year. Now is the time for unwarranted optimism and confidence. Maybe it's time to finally sign up for that pole-dancing class you've been wanting to take or kick that nasty methamphetamine habit you picked up in college.
1. Not to ask for people's advice so much, because more often than not, not only do I completely disregard it, I do the exact opposite, which in turn pisses off a lot of people
2. To stop eating directly over my keyboard at work, and consequently causing it to malfunction so frequently
3. To not talk to boys, ever, unless they are related to me or unless there is some crucial, life-threatening reason to do so. It has been scientifically proven in over 45 studies in the U.S. alone that communication with males only leads to trouble. Compliance with this resolution also results in fewer additional resolutions I would have to make
4. Become more news-savvy. Consider achieving this by reading actual newspapers or online news publications instead of solely by reading closed-captioning on the televisions at the gym
5. Write more (publishable) material
Ex post facto resolutions:
6. To stop thinking that because things are sugar-free, fat-free, artificially-sweetened, and in general devoid of any nutritional value whatsoever, I can and should eat 18 of them at one time.
I will be adding to (and possibly detracting from) these resolutions before the new year as more of my shortcomings become apparent to me.