So I called the service people (from work) to find out what the problem might be. These people think we are idiots. They can barely believe we were able to buy the phone in the first place. A list of possible solutions I was prompted by the Service Center:
- Is there a battery in your phone?
- Is the phone turned on? The power must be on for the phone to function. After a year and a half of owning this particular cell phone, have you yet been able to locate the power button?
- Are you in fact holding a stapler? You cannot send or receive phone calls with your stapler. Your phone is black, shiny, and has several buttons.
- What does your phone taste like? If it bares a flavor similar to a cantaloupe or watermelon, it is most likely a melon.
So for now I am limited to using my work phone and speaking in financial code. If you aren't familiar with financial code, here are some examples:
"Maybe we should see other people" = "Have you considered diversifying your assets among different stocks?"
"I'm hungover" = "The market crashed"
"Is he good-looking?" = "How does the market look?"