Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Working from seven to eleven every night, it really makes life a drag ...

With my college education nearly coming to an end, it's time to start thinking about possible career choices in case my plan of acquiring a rich relative, becoming immediately close with said relative, and promptly losing dear relative to tragic malady by which I receive large trust fund designated in will to ease grief over loss ... fails. That being said (what? what was said?), I have lately been thinking of which path beckons me to follow after college becomes just a blurry, semi-pieceable dream. One of the main similarities you will notice about my chosen careers is that none of them really require any academic study beyond 9th grade.

1. Reenactment Actor
Though I have done no amount of research on this, I have a firmly-held belief that this may or may not be the proper job title. Some examples of course are Unsolved Mysteries, features on the History Channel, etc. Some of my responsibilities would include lying static on a warehouse floor in a pool of ketchup, posing as one of George Washington's Spanish mistresses in 1750, placing frantic 911 calls, and recoiling in fear upon realizing that the ghost of Mama Cass is trying to communicate with me via the microwave.

2. Instant Message/Private e-mail screener

My brother held a job at some kind of stock exchange building where he had access to a computer. In fact, basically all his work required use of the computer. Except for one thing: he didn't seem to have any work. While I was busy putting off homework or watching "All My Children," I would chat online with my bother while he was hard at work. A little disclaimer informed me at the beginning of each messaging session that our conversation was being monitored and read. "By who?" I would ask. Sometimes I would throw in a few words for this person, or just try to spice up the conversation to keep the monitor entertained.

Example: Me: Hey, Josh, did you hear Becky got pregnant?
Josh: what? who's becky?

Me: Oh don't even pretend to not know what I'm talking about. I bet you were the one who planted the methadone in her bag too, weren't you? Boy, when I get off house arrest I'm going to come over there with a nine iron...

Josh: Okay ...

Whether it was appreciated or not, I began to perceive this as an exciting career opportunity for myself. I tried asking the monitor directly, but got no response (figures they went to keep all the good jobs for themselves).

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