Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I take my cues from Judge Joe Brown

Judge Joe Brown: He says you couldn't pay him back because you were off "sluttin' around."
Defendent: At least I can slut around.
JJB: What is that supposed to mean??

If I am to take advertising targeting seriously, based on the television I watch during the day, I am an overweight diabetic with bad credit and a bladder control problem suffering from limited mobility.


Jonk said...

How to Win on Judge Joe Brown

Judge Joe Brown: [to plaintiff] Okay, now let me talk to you for a moment, because, frankly, I think your story has a lot of holes in it. You say that the defendant here came over to your house -- unprovoked -- and broke your nose, so you're seeking $1000 in medical costs. Is that correct?

Plaintiff: Yes, sir.

JJB: Now, originally you told the police that this had happened at his house, right? In his back yard, during a barbecue?

Plaintiff: I never said that. He come over to my house and punched me in the nose. Unprovoked. And that's exactly what I told the police I called.

JJB: You called the police? They say he called them.

Plaintiff: No, sir. I called them.

JJB: The police say that the defendant called them. Furthermore, their report says that you had got drunk at his barbecue and assaulted him, yelling, quote, "my hot dog did not plump when I cooked it!' unquote. And then you hit him in a jaw. I have the X-ray of the defendant's jaw right here in front of me, and it's clearly fractured. Your nose, on the other hand, looks fine to me, despite the fact that this all happened last week.

Plaintiff: That X-ray is of my nose -- the hospital guys must have gotten confused and wrote the wrong name and face-part on it. And those police, they were drunk.

JJB: [shaking head] Your story is simply unbelievable. I'm afraid I have no choice but to rule in favor of--

Plaintiff: Wait! I should also mention that the defendant didn't actually punch me, his kid did.

JJB: His kid?!

Plaintiff: Yes, his six year-old son.

JJB: What the..?! [to defendant] You just let your son run wild like that?

Defendant: Yes... wait, what?

JJB: This is America, you know. And in America you not only have to take responsibility for your own actions, but you also have to take responsibility for the action of your children.

Defendant: My children?

JJB: You cannot just let your kids run around wild, punching people in the nose.

Defendant: I, I don't have any children.

JJB: You're not even aware you have a son? What are you, some kinda deadbeat dad?

Defendant: Deadbeat?

JJB: Well, I've heard enough. My verdict is that Mr. Love-'em-and-leave-'em here must pay the $1,000 to the plaintiff, and pay $500 a month in child-support to the wife he abandoned.

Defendant: I'm not married!

JJB: Somehow that doesn't surprise me.

Prevaling Benefactor said...

Excellent observation. I think you should be gathering these thoughts for submission to comedy writers at SNL or Jerry Sinefeld.